


Belief and Pride

by Mandancie



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-15
Updated: 2014-05-15
Packaged: 2018-01-24 22:15:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1618889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mandancie/pseuds/Mandancie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a companion piece to my story 'Trust.' While 'Trust' was solely from Dean's POV, I was asked to write a one-shot from Sam's POV. Well, it's been a long time coming. I want to dedicate this story to Er-BearG32. <br/>Tag: Season 8 Season Finale: Sacrifice</p>
            </blockquote>





	Belief and Pride

Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural. They belong to Eric Kripke.  
A special thanks to Er-BearG32 for beta'ing my story.  
Sam's POV  
   
I'm not a baby any more. I'm almost 30. Why doesn't he believe that I can handle this? I've faced so much. I know I've made mistakes but I made up for them. There is so much I wish I could take back. So many things I wish I could have a 'do over' for. I miss it so much. I miss that Dean would believe in me. That if I said that I would do something that he knew that it would get done. Now all he does is just treat me like I'm twelve.  
   
My biggest regret was walking out of that suite. Oh how I wish that he didn't hate me so much. He looks at me different. He doesn't trust me. He doesn't believe in me. Honestly, I don't even think he likes me. I mean I know he loves me. I think it's somewhere in the book about brothers that you have to love your brother, but that doesn't mean that you have to like them. Oh God, I miss my big brother.  
I use to think that with all of Dean's over-protectiveness and mothering that it would be too much for me. That he would not give me any space. Now, if I am truly honest with myself, I miss it. No. That's a lie. I crave it. I really want my brother to give a damn about me. I want him to know how sorry I am. But really how many times can one say that they are sorry? I just want to yell it from on top of the Impala that I am so sorry. I wish I could go back, but I can't. I totally understand why Dean would call me a monster. From everything that I was doing; I was a monster. Drinking demon blood. Putting a demon before my brother. The same brother that died for me. Oh God, what did I do to my brother? No wonder he doesn't love me any more. I don't deserve him. I guess deep down I wish that Dean didn't get my soul back. I've hurt Dean too much. I don't want him to have to keep being saddled with me. I'm no longer worth it. Maybe Dad was right. Maybe I should be dead. Dean deserve so much better.  
   
So where does that leave me? Again trying to make everything right for my big brother. He tells me that he's my stone number one. I want to believe him so bad, but he looks at me like I'm going to crack and I don't want to be a disappointment to him any more. So I try my best to hold it together. With every answer is 'I'm fine.' I want Dean to worry about the case. Worry about getting Dick Frigging Roman. Not worry about his mentally deranged little brother. He's gone. He's gone! HE'S GONE! There is no Dean. No Bobby. No Dean. No Dad. No Dean. No Mom. No Dean. No Dean. No Dean.   
   
NoDeanNoDeanNoDeanNoDeanNoDean!  
   
Now, it's a year later. A year filled with nightmare fueled panic attacks. Living on autopilot, until a woman saves me from the brink of a nervous breakdown. She doesn't fill the large whole in my heart. But she does help me live. Then when I think that my world crashes down again, I get the best gift in the world. At first, he scares the shit out of me. I don't expect it. One minute I'm standing walking into the cabin with so many memories and the next I'm on the ground with my big brother over me. I can't believe my eyes. I'm scared that it's a dream. I'm scared that my mind is playing tricks on me again. The whole reason that I left the cabin in the first place nine months ago. The first thing that shoots through my mind is that 'It's not real.' Then I feel the salt. Wait a minute, salt. That hasn't happened before. Then cleanser is poured on me. I can actually feel the liquid soaking my jacket and shirt. It’s real. Then the biggest clincher, his hand grabs my wrist. I can really feel his hand on me. Then the silver blade slides across my arm. Oh yes! This is real. That hurt like crap. It’s real! He's really standing in front of me. My big brother is alive, standing in front of me. I'm not going crazy. He's really here. Dean is really here. But my moment of euphoria was short-lived when Dean asked if I looked for him. How could I answer that? How could I tell him that I spent the first three months in different stages of panic attacks? Not sleeping, and when sleep did come it was nothing but nightmares. How, if it wasn't for a dog in the street that there would be no Sam to come back to? How it was a dog that kept me alive. Finding the girl was just an added bonus. I had to stay alive to take care of that dog. So for nine months that's what I did. My life was that dog.  
But how do you tell a hyped up big brother that? How do you tell him that living was hell? I had no one. Everyone I ever knew, loved, or even dared to love me back was dead. I don't answer him. Now he's mad at me. Scratch that. He's beyond pissed at me. There was the look of pure disdain coming from his eyes. It was a look that I never want to see again. He truly looked at me like I was a monster. I was hurt, but deep down I couldn't blame him. Again, the great Sam Winchester, let down his brother again. And that look of hurt and let-down is apparent on Dean's face every time he looks at me.  
   
Now we have these trials that have to be done to close the gates of Hell. He tells me he's going to do them. He tells me that he wants me to survive. After his whole big speech about wanting me to be a 'Men of Letters,' what surprises me mostly is that even though I know he doesn't love me like before, I know he's still angry with me. (Who could blame him?) But he still tries to protect me. He still puts me first. I guess when something is hard wired into someone, even if you hate them, it's hard to turn off.  
   
I just couldn't in good conscious let Dean handle another Hellhound. I know it was selfish of me, but I couldn't see that again. Torn clothes and flesh. Blood everywhere. No movement. Just stillness. I can't go through that again. So, knowing full well I was supposed to stay behind, I follow Dean out to the barn when I see the Hellhound. I get there just in time to see Dean get thrown towards the wall. He's bleeding. NOT AGAIN! I see the knife on the ground. I don't even think I just act. One minute I'm running for the knife, the next I am getting this smelly black oozing mess all over me.  
   
Oh boy, he's not going to like this, I thought.  
   
I don't really want to look at him. If I thought he was angry before, I know he's going to be livid now. But I can't help myself, I have to see him. I have to know that he's still breathing. The first thing I see is the torn clothes. Torn clothes means torn flesh. Torn flesh means blood. A small build of panic rises, but it's short-lived. This time there is movement. Dean is sitting up. Painfully, but sitting up none the less. He's alive. The panic ebbs itself away. A flash of relief pass my eyes. He's alive. I don't have to be alone again.  
   
Now the hard part; convincing an over-protective big brother that I am doing the trials. I persuade him that it has to be me. I have to do this. What I don't tell him, is that I have to make it up to him. I have to make it up to Dean. I want him to be proud of me again. I want him to....I don't know. I just want my big brother back, and if this is the way to make amends to him, then so be it.  
   
I am going to do this. I am closing the gates of Hell. He tells me that he's behind me. He will let me do this. Cough. I am going to make my brother proud. Cough. I am doing this. Cough. I am going to show Dean that I can do it. Cough. Blood.  
Dean can't know. He has to know that I am strong enough to do this. If he sees the blood then he's going to think I'm weak. He's not going to believe in me. I finally got him to back me up and I don't want to lose that. I'm fine. I'm fine. I can do this. I WILL make Dean proud of me again. Dean will hold his head up with pride when he talks about me again. All I have to do is not let him know that I'm coughing blood. That should be easy. Keeping something from an overly protective brother that seems to see everything, how hard could that be?  
   
Things are going so well, as well as could be expected. I start to feel that I am getting my brother back. Then it happens. He finds the tissue I coughed in earlier. In that split second, I lost my big brother again. He's mad at me again. Why does everything I do turn to shit?  
   
Now he doesn't believe in me anymore. He thinks I can't do it now. He thinks I'm too weak. Hell, he won't even let me out of the bunker. He's treating me like I'm a frail piece of glass that's going to break in a moments notice.  
   
Now we get to the home stretch of the trials, and he still doesn't believe that I can do this. I think Dean never really believed that I could do it. This has to work. I have to finish this. I want my big brother back.  
   
He has to leave with Cas. And what do I get, the 'don't screw up' speech. I am going to make Dean proud. I will finish this and Dean will be proud of me again.  
   
I'm so tired. It's the eighth hour. Crowley is actually beginning to sound more and more human. He's allowing me to inject him. I'm going to do it. I am going to make Dean so proud. I cut my hand and I hold the pool of blood cupped in my hand. So close, and everything will be finished. The gates of Hell will be closed. I will have my brother back. I walk towards Crowley. Each step I can feel my heart racing. Dean will be so proud that I finished the trials. I recite the incantation. My cupped hand is mere inches from Crowley's face.  
   
“SAMMY, STOP!”  
   
I almost fall over. It's Dean yelling. I look up and Dean is standing by the door. He's yelling at me. No, it's not supposed to be this way. Dean isn't supposed to be angry. He's supposed to be proud.  
   
“Metetron lied. If you finish this, you die.”  
   
No. This isn't my brother telling me to stop. I am to make Dean proud of me. If I stop he won't be proud of me. He won't be my big brother again. I have to finish this. I AM going to finish this.  
   
“So?”  
   
Dean looks at me like I'm crazy. I'm crazy. No, I am not the one crazy. I am going to finish this. But that look just breaks my heart, and I let him know how I've been feeling.  
   
“....how many times I let you down.”  
   
There, I said it. It's now out in the open. The floodgates open and I tell him everything. I want my brother back. I don't want to let Dean down anymore. And I am going to finish this trial so I don't let him down.  
   
“Hold on! You really believe that? Because none of that is true. Listen Sammy, I know we've had our differences. I know I've said some thing's that set you back on your heels. But Sammy, come on. I killed Benny to save you. I'm willing to let this bastard and all those sonsofbitches walk because of you. Don't you dare, think that there is anything past or present that I would put in front of you. It has never been like that. Ever. I need you to see that. I'm begging you.”  
   
There's nothing that's before me. There's nothing that's before me. Over and over that replays in my mind. He's proud of me. He's always been proud of me. How could I've been so wrong? I don't want to do the trials anymore. I want my brother.  
   
“How do I stop?”  
   
“Just let it go.”  
   
It seems so simple. It can't be that simple, but if Dean says it, it must be true. Dean pulls me into his arms. I clutch on to him. I'm so scared that it’s not true. But I can feel his jacket through my fingers. I hold on for dear life.  
   
'nothing I'd put in front of you.' Dean's voice is in my head. And all I hear is that. I'm first. Before Benny. Before Castiel. Before his beloved car. It's me. He's proud of me. He really is proud of me. I have my brother back. And all this time, he never left.  
   
The End  
A/N: I would like to thank you all for taking the time to read my story. I really hope that you enjoyed this. Please leave a review. They are greatly appreciated. 

Many hugs and kisses to you all  
Mandancie :)


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